all I want is YOU
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— [INFO] This is Love and Evanesce MV teaser, will be release today.

(c)

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— LIVSM’s message to Sungmin

This essay, I’ve written for months and edited hundreds of times. The day I publish this, is when you first announce your marriage.

Why did I write such a long eessay.. Because I totally understand how every fan who loves you feels about this statement. It’s like a bomb, that will cause explosion to Sungmin fans, SJ fans and even fans of Hallyu. Following this, Sungmin fans will enter the stage of silence. Because when you first announced, I had full confidence in saying I’ll be by your side, I believed this won’t end up in marriage and that the girl’s revealing made you a victim, but in the end I was struck with this. The anger and disappointment I felt came back, and I can’t get rid of it. This response may be worse than the impact if you had directly admitted wanting to get married. I know, things can’t progress the way we want them too, you definitely didn’t know it will end up like this. So I wrote this, to pen down my journey of knowing this for months, hope that I can, for the fans who have entered a patch of darkness have light, hope that even if they still want to leave you, they won’t resentfully harm you. When you published relationship news, I posted that I won’t say anything about it because it wasn’t time for me to say my opinions, but now, it’s the time for it.

Many problems in the process will compromise his privacy and the degree of exposure of this situation so I can’t say, but generally I definitely, from the day I first found out till now, had no change in my disappointment and pain inside, instead it slowly increased throughout the progress of this situation, especially when he first admitted dating and the whole world could’t find him to ask him about it, but came to me instead. Compared to him, I had bigger pressure. Even though they’re my own friends, I couldn’t breathe a word, meeting my friends who because of not knowing the situation was furious and hurt. I also couldn’t explain, so I became more worried that when they find out the marriage, they would be so disappointed in you. Anger can subside, hurt can be comforted, but disappointment is something I cannot help (him) with (doing so).

When I first found out, I personally went to Sungmin to confirm it. Although he was shocked on me knowing, but he honestly admitted. What happens after admitting? I totally didn’t prepare what to do afterwards. Lee Sungmin, this decision is selfish and childish. Why did you choose now? Why must it be this person? Why must you marry? Enlisting and marriage, these two things are the most fatal to idols, others try to avoid as much as they can, but you add both together instead? Your actions will have big impact on you. and even on SJ as a whole, did you really think clearly? I used to worry that because of your personality you may secretly enlist quietly, but now I see that I was completely in the wrong direction. What did I come to Korea for? What did I spend all my years of youth doing? Why am I still staying in Korea? At home there’s stacks and stacks of stuff I need to send out, what am I doing? Suddenly felt that my left thumb kept having painful pricks, people say all 10 fingers are related to the heart, but when my heart was ripped apart, only my left thumb will hurt along, maybe because I felt too much hurt that makes me not feel pain anymore. so I used another method to remind myself I was genuinely shedding tears, that I really am upset. I couldn’t talk to others, really too hard on me, so I called my mother. My mum likes Kyuhyun a lot, these years I chase Sungmin she knows all about it, when I chase overseas she pays all my expenses. After listening to me, she only said that if it’s that painful, come home, don’t need to study anymore, I also don’t need you to come home with certificate, I just want you to be fine. At that time, I really cried like a fool, really really missed my parents so much, thinking of kangkang (dog?) at home thinking of the many who love me.

Second day, with my eyes swollen like peaches, I went to meet Sungmin’s mum. I felt that he might have discussed with her the previous day, because such a major issue found out by fans, if I didn’t keep it down and said it out, everything will be destroyed. He also guessed that I would look for her. so he told her first. When I reached the shop, I tried to casually indirectly bring it up, but ended up talking about other things. Then she spoke up first, saying “You went to the fansign yesterday right, how was it? So I said, mm, I know about his marriage. She didn’t change expression, and smiled as she waited for me to finish talking, so I knew that he must have prepared her already. Then I said everything that happened, including how I found out and that I’m worried and don’t understand. She smiled and listened, and talked to me the whole afternoon/ My worries and lack of understanding, she tried hundred times. But under the sky, there’s no parent that can win their child; Sungmin’s determinance on this, even his parents, members and company couldn’t block his way. At first, everyone didn’t approve, but talked again and again with parents, members and company, slowly changing their opinions. Now, everyone respects his decision. Remaining problem is the biggest, which is fans. I’m also a fan, he and his parents’ straightforwardness is not easy, from the beginning I have no right to say anything about his life. Discuss calmly, want marry just marry, is not something that can’t be accepted, I felt disappointment mainly because of suspicious towards the girl. But Sungmin said, among the girls he dated, there’s girls who are more luxurious, there’s those who are very introverted and quiet, many kinds of girls, but Kim Saeun is very very outgoing, when she talks she is straightforward, although she has rich family background but she never had arrogance of a wealthy girl, when together with her there’s no stress only happiness, any hardships after talking to her will disappear, so he feels very comfortable, feels that she is the right one. After hearing, I believe many people, like me, can only choose to be silent. Lee Sungmin this fool, just live happily, just feel blessed and all is fine. 

So I wrote a very long letter to him, it includes saying that although I want to comfort myself, but I who love you for 7 years, words of blessing is too cruel for me to say, I can’t do it. Although I really wanted to say, don’t marry, but thinking of how many years I’ve been beside you as a fan, thinking of members’ words, but I know that now you’re bearing the weight of the whole world, I don’t want to add on to it so I decided to be by your side. All these years of being to Korea, all of my life is related to you, I follow you to concerts worldwide, friends are all buddies who chase SJ, I already, I’ve reached the point I can no longer remove you from my world. I can respect your decision, but now I cannot give both of you my blessing. I’m sincerely hoping you feel happiness every day, so when you’re at your most difficult and most stressful time now, I will stay, and when you announce it, I will stand up and stand beside you to protect you. This is my promise. But that aside, what others cannot do, don’t expect me to. I don’t know what will the future be, but when you enlist I will find my own happiness, I will also marry and have my own life, and when my happiness comes, I will close this site. Hope that then, I can be one of your friends, and after many years sit down and chat happily about the years of difficulty without restriction. As a fan, it’s my biggest wish

When he read it, he acknowledged it to me, then at every fansign he will ask what I want him to write and seriously write it, genuinely thank you, my friend. When he wrote every stroke of that, I felt that actually there’s many things I have no need to say anymore, it’s not that he’s unaware, he’s just not saying it. Regarding those who want to protect him till the end, he is seriously grateful. Although many things are not the same anymore, but he’s still the beautiful him, the one who earns so much money himself but passes all to his mum to look after, although he himself knows he account and password but every month uses pocket money, and occasionally when not enough he will behave like a kid and whine until his mum approves then uses the money. Him who after a few words of praise from sunbaes can be happy until his mouth cannot close for a whole day, him who after getting daesang will shout ASA then bring his family out to an expensive resturant for a meal, him who every morning wakes up to exercise yet unfortunately is still chubby, him who when looking at good food will drool and eyes will brighten, him who often don’t draw eyeliner and have failed hairstyle and hence get laughed at by members, him who on the stage shines and give off heat that warms my life.

I, am just a small fan after all.

Between fans and idol, from the beginning it’s a one-sided love without reward, when I first chose this LoveInVain name, everyone sayd it’s really special, beautiful and realistic. I also said before, because it’s Sungmin, I am willing to do one-sided love. Now this sentence has never changed, only that he himself has a new identity, as a fan there are things I can’t do like the past anymore. Form now, I won’t relentlessly chase him overseas as much anymore, even on his schedules I won’t always attend, but activities-wise I will still try my best to go, I will still help, like I said, my life already has a new page, regarding my contributions to Sungmin and my own life management have found a balance. LoveInVain will still be here, I will still do the usual, I promised him to stand by him I won’t eat my words, like what a fan said, blessing their happiness is fake, but blessing his happiness, it’s whole-hearted.

LoveInVain (LIVSM) (Sungmin Fansite)

orig, trans: by ryeongbb

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